


Smokescreen

by Annie_Eliza, dustedoffanoldie



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, Hate Crimes, Hope, Injury, Love, M/M, Physical Disability, Romance, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-30 06:19:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6412411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annie_Eliza/pseuds/Annie_Eliza, https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustedoffanoldie/pseuds/dustedoffanoldie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Brian hears over the radio that Babylon was subjected to a bombing, all he can concentrate on is racing to his club to make sure the people he loves are alive and safe. He doesn't expect to be irreversibly injured himself. As Brian faces a slow recovery and a permanent disability, he must learn to accept support of his friends and the love of his partner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story co-written between the two of us. We do hope you enjoy it. It will have a lot of angst but there will be a happy ending and even several funny moments before then.  
> [](http://s1377.photobucket.com/user/Annie_Sutter/media/Smokescreen%20Banner_zps2vo54snn.jpg.html)  
> 

Brian let out a panicked breath before running a shaky hand through his hair. Even though they weren’t going at a crawling pace, the car Brian was travelling in wasn’t going fast enough. He needed the cab driver to hurry the fuck up. Why was he doing 30 mph in a 60 mph zone anyway?

 

By the time they were off the interstate and back in downtown Pittsburgh, they were still five blocks away. The smoke was already visible, lining the night sky in thick, dark clouds.

 

“Can you hurry up?” Brian asked him irritably.

 

“The roads are icy,” was all the man told him.

 

Brian suppressed a growl, “I don’t _care_ if the roads are icy! Did you hear the fucking radio? That’s my club! My friends, my-”

 

Brian broke off suddenly, swallowed around the lump in his throat, and forced himself to calm down. 

 

“I need to get there,” Brian managed to grit out.

 

He could hear the sounds of the sirens getting louder the closer they got to Babylon.

 

“I’m doing my best, sir, but what with the bad weather and the emergency services trying to get passed, there’s little I can do.”

 

Brian forced himself to sit back in his seat. He logically knew that there was little he could do himself. What could he do when he got there? Swoop in to save the day? Doubtful. 

 

But if something happened...if something happened to _him_...and he hadn’t been able to even get there on time to stop it? It would kill him.

 

Finally, the club came into view. Fuck, it was worse than he thought. 

 

“Just stop here,” Brian demanded, throwing his money into the front seat. They weren’t going to get any closer, and even if they could, he knew he’d get there quicker on foot.

 

were pouring out of a giant hole at the front of the club. The sounds of moans, sobs, and screams echoed the streets and, although they were softer than the sirens in volume, the distress from the cries deafened them. Frantically, he looked around. He needed to spot someone, anyone, who could tell him if they had seen Michael, Debbie, Lindsay, Mel, Emmett, Ted…

 

Justin.

 

Forcing himself to calm down a little, Brian tried to clear his head enough to focus. Focus on the people and not on the gaping flaming hole in the front of his building. Of all people, the first person he ended up spotting was Todd. And fuck, Todd was not fine. 

 

Despite his desperation to know where the people he considers family were and wanting to go up to Todd and ask if the guy knew, he couldn't. Not when Todd was sobbing due to his right leg being blown off. 

 

“Fuck,” Brian choked out to himself, clenching his fists. 

 

Despite the terror and commotion around him, Brian started walking slowly through the crowd, almost in a dream like state. It lasted for just a few moments but it was as if his body had found a defense mechanism, because he had gone from frantic to fucking numb. 

 

He was almost grateful for it. It gave him a false sense of calm, which made it easier to identify people. There were strangers, reporters but also acquaintances and men that he had fucked, all alive and well. But they were fucking useless. They just shook their heads slowly, pity appearing on their faces. 

 

But then he saw her. Damn, he had never been so happy to see Mother Taylor in his entire life. She was wrapped in an aluminium blanket, her face black with smoke, her boytoy hovering over her in concern. He could see from the way she was holding her hands that they must have hurt.

 

“Jennifer?” He called out desperately.

 

She looked up, and he can see it in her eyes before she even began to speak. “Oh my, God, Brian! Justin is still in there. You’ve got to find him!”

 

He wished that he could offer her more reassurance that Justin was fine, but he couldn’t talk and he couldn’t fucking stand there. All he could do was rub her arm for approximately half a second before taking off for the ruined building.

 

“Hey!” A firefighter called out, grabbing his arm, “You can’t go in there - Sir! You can’t go in there! It’s not safe.”

 

“I’m the owner,” he explained frantically as he pushed his way inside.

 

The sight in front of him was like something out of a horror movie. Bodies lined the floor, some breathing, others not so lucky. At one point, he saw the remnants of a leg. A sick part of him wondered if it was Todd’s.

 

He heard cries for help as his eyes dashed around the area before making his way through Babylon. Or what used to be Babylon. He refused to let himself see this place as Babylon now. Because it wasn’t. It didn’t look like Babylon. It looked like Hell.

 

“Justin?” Brian coughed out, squinting through the smoke, “Justin! Justin! Ju-”

 

He broke off when he saw a familiar form a few feet in front of him. It wasn’t a familiar blonde but it was a relief to see him, nonetheless.

 

“Ted?” Brian asked, a bit choked, “Ted, what the fuck happened?”

 

Ted shook his head slowly, in shock, “I don’t know.”

 

“Have you seen Justin?” He asked him, worry more than apparent in his tone.

 

Ted shook his head again, still in a daze. Brian couldn’t be worried about Ted right now.

 

“Get your date out of here,” Brian ordered him, “Let everyone else know that you’re alright.”

 

Before Ted could say anything, Brian walked away. 

 

“Justin! JUSTIN!” He called out, even louder.

 

“Brian?” He heard, and fuck, it was the best sound in the world.

 

And then the worst sound followed it.

 

He actually saw the blinding light first, then heard the loud boom, followed by a crack. It made his heart race and, for a moment, his eyes burn. But it went away. The room was dark and filled with more smoke than ever. He couldn’t fucking see because of it. But that’s okay. Because he could hear Justin’s voice and he’s _alive_.

 

“Brian?!” Justin yelled out, panicked, “BRIAN?! BRIAN!”

 

Brian made his way towards the sound, arms partially extended to grab onto the younger man once he got close. He had to get Justin out of here. There was no other option. Jennifer would kill him if he didn’t for one thing but, now that Brian was seeing how the way things were more clearly than ever, he knew he couldn’t leave without him.

 

“Justin?” Brian called out.

 

Brian felt Justin’s hands on his shoulders, “I’m right here,” Justin’s voice insisted, closer.

 

“Justin?” Brian asked more softly, looking around trying to see something, “Is that you?”

 

“Yeah, Brian. It’s me. You feel me touching you? You see me in front of you?”

 

“...Justin?” Was all Brian could reply.

 

Brian lifted his arms and tried to grab onto Justin. He grasped air the first try before feeling what may be Justin’s ribcage with his left hand and his ear with his right.

 

“Are you alright?” Brian demanded, feeling himself squint with pain, “Are you hurt?”

 

He felt Justin’s head move but no answer came, which just made him agitated.

 

“Well, are you?” 

 

“No,” Justin answered him, tremors in his voice, “I’m not hurt.”

 

Brian nodded, relieved, before bringing him in for a desperate hug. Even though he felt Justin’s arms encircle him, the hug felt tense, like he was holding the younger man wrong. He needed to get outside, where the street lights were. Then he could see Justin’s face and know for sure everything was okay.

 

Even though Brian knew they needed to get out, he felt that Justin ended the hug all too soon. Pulling away, Justin held onto Brian’s shoulders.

 

“Brian?” Justin asked, “Brian, I need you to look at me. Open your eyes and look at me.”

 

Funny. Brian didn’t realize his eyes were closed.

 

But as soon as he did what Justin asked, his eyes started to burn and throb with pain.

 

“Fuck!” Brian gasped out, feeling moisture pooling under his eyelids, “Fuck, it hurts!”

 

“Alright,” Justin choked out, “Let’s get outside. The place could collapse. We’ll get you checked out by a paramedic.”

 

“You should get checked out too,” Brian insisted, covering his eyes with the palm of his hand. 

 

“I will. I promise.”

 

Brian couldn’t help but feel grateful for Justin leading him outside. You’d think he’d see a little bit of light coming from the massive hole in the wall but, whenever he tried to open his eyes, all he could see was dense, dark smoke. They ended up finding Emmett on their way, or Emmett found them. Who knew? Through the pain and the panic, knowing that another friend was safe brought relief, even if Emmett didn’t sound like the man Brian had known for over ten years. He had never heard Emmett sound lifeless or in shock. But he was there, even if Brian couldn’t see him. 

 

He could immediately tell when they were outside. The atmosphere was less constricting, the air felt a bit cleaner. But he still couldn’t see. Other than a flashing red and what looked like a shadow passing in front of him, there was nothing there. The realization made his breathing harsh and he can’t help but panic when Justin let go of him and a shadow appeared right in front of him. 

 

“Oh, fuck! Oh, Brian,” Justin moaned, gripping onto Brian’s cheeks, turning the man’s head slowly. 

 

“Justin? Justin, he needs to get to the hospital,” Emmett said worriedly.

 

“I need help!” Justin shouted, “I need a paramedic!”

 

The fear in Justin’s voice was a telling sign that Brian was more fucked up than he realized but it didn’t take long until he was ushered closer to the red flashing light. He felt multiple pairs of hands on him, pushing him down to sit onto a cold metal surface. 

 

He had been so on edge, filled to the brim with adrenalin. But all of it just left him. The pain in his eyes became more pronounced and the only thing that was keeping him from gripping his face in agony was the absolute exhaustion taking over his body.

 

“Brian,” he heard Justin choke out, sniffling, “Brian, it’s going to be okay.”

 

“We’ve got a male patient, Brian Kinney, age 34, Babylon explosion. Glass and Shrapnel to the eyes with steady bleeding. We’ll be transporting him to UPMC’s Emergency Room immediately.” Brian heard a voice say. A voice over a radio said something in return but Brian couldn’t focus on what it said.

 

There was a pause right after before the paramedic said more softly, “Are you his partner?”

 

Despite the pain and the exhaustion, Brian made himself pay attention to the answer of that question.

 

“Yes,” Justin answered firmly, “I am his partner.” 

 

“Hop in then.”

 

He felt Justin grab both of his hands in his as two paramedics lifted him onto a stretcher and made him lie down. He managed to hiss out the words to them that he didn’t need to fucking lie down but the statement was futile.

 

“Justin?!” Brian heard Jennifer yell, “Justin!”

 

“Mom!” He heard Justin cry out, “Mom, you have to let go. Brian-”

 

“Brian?” Jennifer interrupted suddenly, “Oh my god, Brian, honey-”

 

“I’m gonna ride with him,” Justin informed her, “We need to leave.”

 

“I’ll meet you at the hospital,” her voice wobbled, “Oh, Brian…”

 

He didn’t get to answer Jennifer before the ambulance doors closed. He didn’t even get to think of one. He didn’t want to think too hard about anything right now. Not after what he heard the paramedic say. Fuck…

 

He had let himself lay on the stretcher and bit back a cry as the paramedic restrained his hands to keep him from touching his eyes. Trying not to get worked up, he turned his head to look for Justin, only to realize he still couldn’t see anything.

 

“Justin?” He rasped out, “Sunshine?”

 

“I’m here, Brian,” Justin soothed, “It’s going to be alright. I’m here.”

 

He felt both of Justin’s hands grip his left one and the air from Justin’s breath brush against his cheek as he whispered calming reassurances to him. 

 

“We’ll get through this. We will,” Justin whispered. 

 

“Is everyone else alright?” Brian asked, “Did Michael get out? Debbie? The girls?”

 

Justin hesitated, which worried Brian. He was about interrogate the younger man further but Justin spoke before he got the chance.

 

“Emmett, Ted, my mother, and Tucker are all okay. I think Lindsay and Melanie weren’t there. Lindsay texted and said that they were running late. Debbie and Carl went outside before it all happened, ” Justin murmured, “There was a lot of commotion going on, Brian. I don’t know if everyone is okay. Fuck, of course they aren’t okay-”

 

“Michael?” He slurred in pain, only grounded by Justin’s hands on him and the sensation of the paramedic taking his blood pressure, “What about Michael and Ben?”

 

Justin sniffled but covered up any emotion he was feeling. That wasn’t good. That could mean...no. No.

 

“I don’t know, Brian,” Justin told him, “I don’t know how Michael’s doing. While I was trying to get up and help Brandon, I saw Michael...Ben is okay. I mean, Ben is okay physically. Fuck.”

 

“He needs to stay calm,” the paramedic said softly, “His blood pressure is high. It isn’t good for the bleeding and his injuries.”

 

“Justin,” Brian strained, gasping with pain, “Justin, what about Michael? What aren’t you telling me about Michael?”

 

“Shhhh…” Justin tried to comfort, “I don’t know what’s going on with Michael, okay? Come on, try to calm down. If I don’t see Debbie and Ben at the ER, I will make some calls when we get there. We’ll find out. Michael’s strong. He’ll be fine. Just try to calm down.”

 

Brian felt harsh breaths come through his mouth, making his chest heave and the pain worsen. He couldn’t deal with this. He couldn’t do shit. He could only lie there, scared out of his mind, as Justin answered questions about his fucking medical history.

 

“He’s going to need to be sedated,” the paramedic said, “He’s having a panic attack.”

 

“I know,” Justin muttered, “Shhh, Brian, it’s alright. Steady breaths, come on-

 

“Traffic isn’t great and it’s taking longer than usual to get there. With his blood pressure the way it is and the way he’s pulling at the restraints, it could further agitate the injuries,” the man continued.

 

There was a silence before Justin cleared his throat, “They’re going to sedate you, Brian. It’ll make you feel better and help you calm down. I’m still right here, just try and focus on my voice.”

 

“How long will it take for the sedative to work?” Justin asked the paramedic quietly. 

 

“Almost instantly. I’ll be giving it to him intravenously so it goes directly into his bloodstream,” the man explained as he inserted a canula into the back of Brian’s hand and placed an oxygen mask over his mouth.

 

“Brian, you’re going to feel a little light headed and dizzy, but that’s perfectly normal, alright?” The paramedic told him.

 

Brian immediately felt the sedative dampening his nerves slightly, but his mind was still in overdrive. 

 

“J’stin?” he slurred.

 

Brian felt Justin’s fingers tighten around his hand. He felt the younger man stroking Brian’s knuckle with his thumb and tried to focus on just that sensation.

 

“I’m here, Brian,” Justin soothed, brushing Brian’s hair back with his other hand, “I’m right here.”

 

“Don’t leave,” Brian croaked out as the sounds of the world started to fade around him.

 

Brian wished that he could see Justin’s face, but he couldn’t. As he started to go into a twilight rest, he thought he felt a breath on his face, a hand brush his cheek, and something wet. But he was too tired to be completely sure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian's given a diagnosis.

The paramedic rattled off Brian’s condition as Justin ran alongside his bed while they wheeled him into the hospital’s busy emergency department.

 

“Patient’s name is Brian Kinney.”

 

“Tell me what you have,” the doctor ordered, meeting them in the corridor. 

 

“Male, 34 years of age, with severe lacerations to both eyes. 2.5mg of Valium was administered approximately ten minutes ago due to high levels of stress. He has high blood pressure at 160 over 120; his oxygen level is 89 percent but steadily increasing.”

 

“Do you know what caused the injuries?” The doctor asked, making notes as he walked.

 

“Babylon explosion.”

 

The doctor nodded as Brian was wheeled into a room, where a nurse and another doctor were already waiting for them.

 

“I’m going to take a look at your eyes now, Brian, okay?” the doctor explained, as he took a small torch out of his pocket.

 

Brian flinched as the bright light was shone directly into his left eye.

 

“God!” Brian groaned. His face had turned a deathly white and his eyes felt as though they were being doused in acid. He wanted nothing more than to close them, but they were being pried open by the doctor examining him. 

 

“I’m sorry,” the doctor apologized, as he moved quickly onto the other eye. “I know you’re in a lot of pain right now.” He stopped what he was doing and spoke softly to the nurse assisting him. “Give him 10mg of Morphine intravenously, and as soon as that’s kicked in, you can remove the restraints.”

 

The nurse nodded.

 

“Sluggish pupil reaction on the left, but he is reacting to light somewhat. No reaction or pupil changes on the right.”

 

Justin could only watch as the nurse standing next to him wrote the results down furiously. 

 

_What the fuck did all that mean?_

 

The doctor looked up and spoke to Justin directly, “We’re going to need to get an ophthalmology surgeon down here ASAP to take a look at him.”

 

Justin stepped forward and asked quietly. “Do you know what’s wrong?”

 

“I’m afraid I can’t say for sure, as I am not a qualified Opthomologist, but I can tell you that he’s definitely going to need surgery.”

 

“Surg...,” Brian started to mumble sleepily, the pain medication already having begun to kick in.

 

“Yeah, Brian. It looks like you’re going to need surgery, but you’re going to be fine, okay?” Justin told him gently, as he ran his hand through Brian’s damp and matted hair. 

 

“Ashley, can you page Doctor Lebowitz and ask him to get down here as soon as he can?”

 

“I’ll go and do that right now,” Ashley said.

 

“I’ll be back into see you as soon as Doctor Lebowitz gets here,” the doctor smiled sympathetically at Justin before leaving the room.

 

The intense pain in Brian’s eyes had eased greatly thanks to the high dose of Morphine they’d given him, his body was now relaxed and sleepy - but the pain medication had done little to dull the thoughts racing through his brain. He turned his head as though he was looking at Justin.

 

“Sc-scared,” Brian stuttered under his breath, the drugs bringing his guard down just a little.

 

Justin leaned forward, their noses touching. “I know, but you’ll be fine,” he said softly as he placed a kiss on Brian’s dry, chapped lips. 

 

Luckily, the wait wasn’t long. Doctor Lebovitz first introduced himself to Brian, placing his hand gently on his shoulder as he spoke to him.

 

“Alright, Brian. Let’s have a quick look at your eyes.”

 

Doctor Lebovitz repeated the examinations done by the previous doctor.

 

“Alright, Brian. I’m going to need to sit you up, okay?” Doctor Lebovitz explained as he slowly raised the bed to a sitting position. 

 

“From the looks of it, you have a full thickness laceration in your right eye,” he explained. “It looks like the laceration was deep enough to have cut completely through your cornea, causing your globe to rupture. It also looks like your retina has ruptured. Both of these things need to be operated on tonight to prevent any further damage.”

 

Justin just nodded his head.

 

“The left eye looks a little better. There is a fairly large corneal abrasion, which is usually treated with antibiotics, but you seem to have some fluid leaking through a small tear into your retina, which we need to get in and repair to prevent it from detaching also.”

 

“I don’t really understand what much of that means,” Justin replied slightly agitatedly.

 

“I understand this is a lot of information to take in right now.”

 

Justin glanced quickly over at Brian who seemed to be dozing. “Will the surgery take long?”

 

“A couple of hours,” Doctor Lebovitz informed him, “Maybe more, maybe less. It all depends on whether any complications arise during the operation. But this procedure needs to be done immediately. They’ll be in shortly to prep him for the O.R.”

 

Before the doctor left the room, he placed an eye shield over Brian’s right eye. “Try and keep your eyes as still as possible.”

 

“‘M’kay,” Brian mumbled sleepily as he drifted off into a restless slumber. The morphine having worked it’s magic and taken most of the pain away, but the adrenaline still coursing through his body made it difficult for him to relax.

 

Ashley came back into the room a few minutes later followed by a man in scrubs.

 

“Brian,” she touched his hair gently but spoke mostly to Justin. “This is Phil, he’s the anesthesiologist.”

 

Justin nodded his head in greeting. 

 

“Phil, this is Justin, Brian’s partner and medical power of attorney. Justin, Phil would like to ask you a quick couple of questions before we take Brian down. Is that okay?”

 

“Uh, sure.”

 

Phil shook Justin’s hand. “I’ll only be a minute. Does Brian currently smoke or have a history of smoking?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“To which?”

 

“He still smokes,” Justin confirmed

 

Phil checked off something on his chart, “Has he experienced any difficulties with past anesthetics?”

 

“No… not that I know of.”

 

“Any allergies?”

 

“No.”

 

“Any previous medical conditions or details you think may be relevant?” Phil went on.

 

“He had testicular cancer last year. And h-he does drugs recreationally, mainly E. He smokes marijuana. Fuck, he’s not going to get in any legal trouble because I said that, is he? I don’t think he did anything tonight-” Justin started to ramble from the panic setting in.

 

“Justin, it’s alright. Don’t worry about it. Brian’s not going to be in any kind of legal trouble.” 

 

Justin looked away and nodded, before biting his lip.

 

“Take care of him, okay?”

 

Phil put a hand on his arm, “We will.”

 

The moment was quickly over as Phil started to prep Brian to be rolled out of the room, “Okay, that’s all we need. They’re ready for him in the OR.”

 

Justin went to Brian’s side and grabbed his hand, “You’re going to be alright, Brian. Okay? I’m...When you wake up, I’m going to take care of you. I’ll be there every step of the way.”

 

***

 

It was dark. 

 

That was Brian’s first thought as he felt himself come to. The loft was never this dark in the mornings - the sun always shone brightly through the windows and cast their bed in some sort of light, depending on the time. Had Justin shut the blinds before they went to bed? Had he fallen asleep with his eye mask on?

 

“Justin?” he called out raspily. 

 

“Justin’s not here, sweetheart,” the OR nurse explained quietly. 

 

He tried to open his eyes and look around, but the overpowering darkness was still there. “Wha-what’s happening” He asked, as he attempted to lift his arms and bring his hands up to his eyes so that he could see what the fuck was going on. He pulled again and what felt like belts holding his arms down. 

 

“What’s _happening_?” Brian stressed, raising his voice more.

 

“Brian, do you know where you are?”

 

The nurse rubbed Brian’s arm gently as she tried to calm him down, “Brian, can you hear me? You need to try and relax, okay?”

 

“Don’t tell me to fucking relax! Where’s Justin? And why can’t I move my fucking arms?”

 

The nurse ignored his agitation as she continued on softly, “We’ve had to restrain you to stop you from pulling out your IV’s and touching the dressings on your eyes.”

 

“Untie me, _now_.”

 

“Unfortunately, I can’t do that. It won’t be much longer, I promise.”

 

Brian pulled roughly at the restraints and managed to dislodge one of his IV’s in the process. “I said, untie me.”

 

“We don’t usually allow family into recovery,” the nurse explained as she plugged Brian’s IV back in. “But I will send someone to get Justin, if that would help calm you down. He’s right out in the waiting room. Do you know where you are?”

 

Brian swallowed and tried to think back. Fuck, he was so confused right now. He couldn’t figure out shit.

 

“You’re in recovery, Mr. Kinney. You’ve had surgery. The doctor will be here in a few moments to come speak to you.”

 

“Where’s Justin?” Brian couldn’t help but ask, “Where’s Michael? Where’s-”

 

“Justin will be here with you soon. He’s been waiting for hours to see you. Now, I’m putting a button in your hand. You press that if you need anything, alright? It shouldn’t be too long. We have almost all of the staff working tonight.” 

 

Brian could only hear her walk away as well as the heart monitor beeping slightly faster once he realized he was alone. He couldn’t see a damn thing. All he knew was that his left eye felt runny and the right one even more so. They felt like they were melting and running out of his fucking skull. He pulled at the straps once more, even though he knew doing so was useless. Why was he not remembering anything? What happened? What-

 

“Brian?”

 

Brian bit his lip as his eyes became more painful and started to water. He knew that voice. 

 

“Justin,” he choked out, trying to lean forward, only to feel rolling waves of nausea, “Justin, come’ere. What’s going on?”

 

Brian heard Justin’s steps get louder as the younger man made his way towards him. He felt Justin’s finger run through his hair and Brian leaned into the touch.

 

“Do you not remember anything?” Justin asked softly, voice wobbling, “The...Brian, the bombing? Your...your eyes?”

 

Brian drew a blank for a few seconds before the images of smoke and carnage invaded his mind which, if anything, made his nausea even worse. Brian tried to breathe through his nose evenly to calm himself down but it was like he was back there and he couldn’t focus on shit because he couldn’t see shit. If he could just take whatever was over his eyes off, see Justin’s face-

 

“Mr. Kinney?” a deeper voice called out, making Brian jump a little.

 

“Brian, this is Doctor Lebowitz,” Justin told him, sounding stuffy, “He’s the one who conducted your surgery. You had surgery on your eyes, remember?”

 

“Mr. Kinney, the lacerations in-”

 

“Were you hurt?” Brian asked suddenly, turning his head in what he’s sure is Justin’s direction, “Justin, were you hurt?”

 

“Just some scratches,” Justin rasped out, gently touching Brian’s cheek to turn his head in the opposite direction. Justin then reached down to touch Brian’s hand once more. Brian wiggled his fingers and Justin took the hint and interlaced them with his own.

 

Doctor Lebowitz cleared his throat and went and stood next to Brian. “Mr. Kinney. I have spoken to Justin and explained the situation. Unfortunately, we were unable to save your right eye. The shrapnel from the explosion caused much more damage than we originally thought, affecting not only your cornea, but also your optic nerve, which we were unable to detect until we operated. This is called Traumatic Optic Neuropathy. I understand this is a lot to take in, but do you have any questions before I continue?”

 

Brian remained silent. He had so many fucking questions but couldn’t even bring himself to ask. He didn’t even know if he wanted to know. Justin squeezed his hand. “What, uh, what about my left eye?”

 

“We managed to stop the fluid from leaking and permanently damaging the retina. Unfortunately, like your right eye, there was also some optical nerve damage here also. We’re hesitantly optimistic since the damage is only partial. It is possible you might have some remaining sight in that eye once it has healed more.

 

“When will you know for sure?” Justin asked.

 

“Usually there is about a four to six week window where the sight can gradually improve before reaching full potential. We’ll monitor you closely over this time. That’s all we can really do.”

 

By this point, Brian had stopped listening. The pain in his eyes was steadily getting worse, it now felt as though he had millions of tiny shards of glass being slowly rubbed into his eyeballs. 

 

Justin seemed to notice immediately. “Are you in a lot of pain?” he asked, before looking at the doctor, “Can you give him something stronger?”

 

Justin’s and the doctor’s voices started to sound tinny as Brian started to lose focus on his surroundings. 

 

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

 

The nausea that had been present since he woke up grew in strength and he tried to hold his head up.

 

“Wastebasket,” he muttered, clenching the blanket with his free hand. 

 

“What, Brian?” Justin asked him, squeezing his hand.

 

“Trash-”

 

But Brian didn’t get to finish. As if things couldn’t be any worse, Brian felt the bile travel up his throat and vomit fill his mouth as he began to retch. The vomit that didn’t pour down his chin stayed lodged in his throat, which caused him to retch harder, and he couldn’t fucking breathe.

 

If his body wasn’t fighting for that, he would be imagining how disgusting he looked. He sure as hell couldn’t see it for himself.

 

As Brian felt the doctor raise his bed, lean him over, and stick a gloved finger down his throat to clear his airway, he felt a vague humiliation at the vomit falling into his lap. However, the sharp, stabbing pain from his eyes tearing and the fact that the retching kept him from properly breathing distracted him from that a little. 

 

“It’s probably a reaction to the anesthetic,” he heard the doctor say as Brian finally caught his breath, “We’ll give you some Dramamine and keep a close eye on your reaction to the morphine but you should be fine once the anesthesia wears off more. I’ll send a couple of nurses in to clean you up. I’m sorry, Mr. Kinney.”

 

He heard the doctor take a few steps, felt Justin wiping at his mouth with a wet cloth, and took a few deep breaths. 

 

“You’re wrong,” he said to the doctor quietly. 

 

“What was that, Mr. Kinney?”

 

“You’re wrong. About my eyes. You’re wrong.”

 

“...Brian,” he heard Justin choke out, but Brian moved his face away from the cloth.

 

“Mr. Kinney...I know it is all very hard to take in. When you are feeling better, we can go over how you and your family can cope with this and what your options are. Just get some rest now, okay?”

 

Brian clenched his jaw and said nothing more. 

 

Doctor Lebowitz was wrong. Brian knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We know this took forever. Both of us have had busy years. But we are happy to get this chapter posted finally! Please review!


	3. Chapter 3

Justin opened his eyes and saw the hint of the rising sun peeking in through the hospital room window. Sighing, he took Brian’s hand and gave it a light squeeze before looking at the clock. Wow. He had gotten a full forty-five minutes. It was actually impressive. With Brian in pain and vomiting throughout the rest of the night after his surgery, only to finally fall into a restless sleep, Justin had been plagued with everything that had happened in the past twelve hours. The bombing, everything up in the air with Michael, the smell of smoke on his clothes, the images of carnage in his brain, but most of all…

 

Fuck. 

 

Justin rubbed a hand over his face and looked down at Brian. He was pretty sure, despite Brian’s bandages and guards over his eyes, the news hadn’t hit him yet. When the doctor came out to tell him, he could feel his mother rubbing his back, heard her let out a shocked, sad gasp; he heard Debbie say that if she couldn’t see her son yet, then to at least let her see her son’s best friend; he heard Lindsay crying, fuck, he heard _Mel_ crying. When Justin had glanced up, he saw that Emmett was too shocked to say anything, Drew had a strong hand on the man’s shoulder, and Ben was too lost in his own thoughts that Justin wasn’t even sure that the man heard the news. 

 

And Justin? He hadn’t known what to feel. Everything, EVERYTHING, had happened so quickly. First, he and Brian were broken up, yet Brian came in and risked his life to find him only for this to happen. If they hadn’t been broken up, if one thing could have been changed to prevent this…

 

He couldn’t think of that right now. Because, as shocked and as in denial he was about this, as soon as Brian woke up, Justin’s inability to fully comprehend how things were going to be now would be miniscule to Brian’s feelings. Last he heard, Brian was convinced the doctor was wrong. And as hesitantly hopeful the doctor said he was about Brian’s left eye, the man had taken a different tone when he had announced it to him. 

 

_It is very unlikely that Mr. Kinney will regain more than the ability to see a blur of colors in his left eye. But there’s always a chance we can be wrong on this. The only way to judge his full vision acuity is to let that eye heal and regularly test his vision over the next two months._

 

Justin was snapped back into the present when Brian let out a sharp gasp and a whimper. Justin brushed away his hair from his forehead and whispered, “Brian. Brian, are you awake?”

 

“Justin,” Brian mumbled, “Justin, where are you?”

 

“I’m right here,” Justin murmured into his ear, “It’s okay. I’m right here.”

 

But Brian didn’t really react and that’s when Justin realized Brian wasn’t awake - he was having a nightmare. 

 

“Hey, come on. Wake up. It’s just a dream.”

 

Brian let out a groan before taking a steadying breath. 

 

“You back with me?” Justin asked him hesitantly, rubbing his arm. 

 

“...Yeah. Yeah. What happened? Why is it so fucking dark?” 

 

Justin felt himself freeze, “Y-You...You don’t remember?”

 

It took a second but Brian’s whole body stiffened as an angry scowl appeared on his face, “Of course I fucking remember. Hard to forget that you’re never going to be able to see again, isn’t it?”

 

Justin flinched at Brian’s scathing tone and bit his lip when Brian obviously was trying to pull his arm away from him and would have succeeded if it weren’t for the restraints. Justin obeyed his wishes though and let go. 

 

Brian stayed silent for a few moments. It felt like ages to Justin. All he wanted to know, all he ever wanted to know, was what was going through Brian’s head. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Brian said, so softly that if Justin hadn’t been listening for something, he could have missed it. 

 

“It’s okay,” Justin told him, starting to reach for him but thinking better of it, “I...You’re upset. I understand. You’re allowed to be.”

 

Brian didn’t say anything in return, just laid there still and silent. 

 

“You know I meant what I said, right?” Justin brought up carefully, “I’m going to be there for you every step of the way.”

 

“Don’t bother.”

 

Justin felt his heart skip a beat, “What?”

 

“We...We were broken up, Justin. You broke up with me for a reason-” 

 

“And you came running back to try to save me from a fucking bomb, Brian. That said more than enough.”

 

“I’m never going to be the same. You’re going to regret it.”

 

“Stop it,” Justin hissed, grabbing onto Brian’s shoulder a little too tightly, “I’m not leaving. You can’t make me.”

 

Brian shook his head a little and let out a sigh.

 

“I’m not leaving, Brian. I won’t-”

 

“I heard you,” Brian interrupted, “But I want you to leave. At least to get a goddamn shower and fresh clothes. Christ, have you smelled yourself?”

 

“How do you know it’s not you?” Justin asked him, a little offended. 

 

“At least I get complimentary sponge baths. You need to take care of your stench yourself. Now go.”

 

Justin studied him for a few moments, wondering if there was a catch. If Brian was planning on doing something stupid once no one was in the room. If he’d come back and find that he had somehow wandered out or did something worse. It was stupid. He KNEW it was stupid. Brian couldn’t see. He was still physically not up for making a run for it anyway. He was even strapped down.

 

But if he left Brian alone with his thoughts, who knows-

 

“Would you just go already?” Brian growled out, “I may not be able to see you, but I can still _smell_ you.”

 

Justin had to roll his eyes at that, but didn’t make a move.

 

“I’ll go. But I want someone to come sit with you first,” Justin eventually compromised.

 

“Damn it, Justin. I’m not a fucking infant.”

 

Justin sighed, “Be that as it may-”

 

“I’m not going to do anything stupid while you’re gone, if that’s what you’re worried about… I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”

 

“Be that as it may,” Justin reiterated firmly, “You are strapped down to this bed and might need a drink or for someone to get the nurse if you drop your button or if you have to go number 2 and there’s no one around-”

 

“Number 2?” Brian interrupted, disbelievingly, “I’ve known you for close to five fucking years and I learn that’s what you call taking a shit?”

 

“Brian-”

 

“And besides, I don’t WANT you there to help me shit. I don’t want anyone there. And if I do end up needing help, my mouth still works and I will yell as loud as I fucking want to.”

 

Justin pursed his lips 

 

“And I can wipe my own fucking ass.”

 

“Okay, I get it!” Justin gave in, a little too loudly, “I’ll go, but I won’t be long.”

 

“Good-”

 

“But I am still having someone come by to sit with you. It would make me feel more comfortable, okay?”

 

Brian’s face twisted with annoyance. “For fuck sake, Justin. You’re really testing my nerves right now.”

 

“Well, you’re testing mine,” he bit back.

 

Brian took a couple of deep breaths, “Who are you thinking of bringing in? Debbie? I can’t deal with her right now.”

 

Justin let out a sigh. Fuck.

 

“Debbie would be my first choice but...I don’t know, she’s still stressed out and upset about Michael.”

 

Brian froze and went rigid, “...How...How is Michael?”

 

Justin paused, not even knowing what to say.

 

“Fuck, Justin. Is… he’s not… he’s not dead, is he? Tell me he’s not dead!”

 

Brian started to struggle against the straps and the machines monitoring his blood pressure started beeping loudly. Justin rushed to put his hands over Brian’s shoulders to restrain his movements.

 

“Brian, Brian. Listen to me. Are you listening?”

 

“Fuck, Mikey...” Brian sobbed out, wheezing in and out and definitely not listening.

 

“He’s not dead. He’s not dead, Brian. Shhhh…” Justin reassured him soothingly, stroking his face now, “It was...things were up in the air. He hasn’t woken up yet. He’s not out of the woods but he’s more stable than he was last night. It was scary but they’re starting to think he’ll be okay.”

 

“He’s not dead?” Brian asked desperately, having not heard a word of what Justin had just said. 

 

“Shhh, he’s okay.” Justin told him. He didn’t know if it was completely true. Hell, he knew it wasn’t. But it was what Brian needed to hear right now.

 

“He’s okay,” Brian repeated, more for himself, as he finally started to calm down.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Brian nodded his head, let out a shaky breath, then muttered out, “I...I didn’t mean to freak out. Sor-”

 

“Don’t finish that apology,” Justin warned him, “It’s unnecessary and frankly out of character.”

 

Brian smiled weakly. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

“Stop it.”

 

“I meant with the apologizing…”

 

Justin actually let himself huff out a small laugh at that point before running his fingers through Brian’s hair. Brian leaned into the touch, almost as if he needed the contact as well, before gently pulling away and clearing his throat.

 

“You should go,” Brian said, quietly and gruffly.

 

“No offense, but I like the idea of leaving you in here even less now.”

 

“Invite whoever you want to relieve you. Just go back to the loft, take a shower, take a nap, and pack a bag for me so I have some clothes to wear and something to do besides sit here in the fucking d-dark.”

 

Brian’s breath hitched on the last word and Justin felt his heart twitch at the sound but decided not to push the matter.

 

“Any preferences?” Justin asked, getting his phone out of his pocket.

 

“I don’t know. Debbie, Michael, and Ben are all out of the question. Lindsay and Mel need to be with the kids. Ted’s probably sorting out everything with my business fucking exploding and all, knowing him. Emmett would blubber all over me. Whatever, they’re all bad options. Just pick one.”

\-----

 

_Nathan felt himself shaking as he left his father’s bedroom, made his way to the bathroom, and vomited against the dirty porcelain bowl that his father never cleaned. Nathan used to clean after his mom died. It had kept him busy, both his mind and his body, and he thought it might make his dad see that he was useful for something other than a punching bag and a sex toy. But apparently that was all he was good for. He wiped the tears from his eyes and stared at the yellowed, peeling wallpaper in the bathroom. The other rooms in the house weren’t any better. The sink in the kitchen was piled with a week’s worth of dirty dishes, the living room stunk of cigarette smoke and ashes, his bedroom was tiny and windowless. Maybe he did deserve this. He probably did._

 

_Nathan flushed the toilet and got up off the cold tile floor, then started to wash out his mouth and brush his teeth. He’d probably be limping for the next day or two and he was a mess, but school was better than here. Anywhere was better than here._

 

_School was a blur of people and voices and sounds that passed by him but rarely actually collided with him completely. He stayed under the radar, trying not to draw attention, trying to make sure no one knew. He did his work, made As and Bs, and kept to himself. He wasn’t stupid. He knew it didn’t sound like a great high school experience. He didn’t know how to fake laughter and horseplay and being a great friend. But he did know how to be quiet._

 

_“Is this Mr. Young’s class?” he heard a girl ask._

 

_Nathan waited for someone to answer but then felt someone poke his shoulder._

 

_“Hi, sorry,” the girl said, biting her lip, “Is this Mr. Young’s class? I’m new and it’s my first day-”_

 

_“Yeah, it’s his class,” he interrupted her, “He’s always at least ten minutes late.”_

 

_“So that’s why no one’s here yet,” she answered conversationally, before sitting down in the seat next to him, “What happens if he gets here on time and the kids are still just doddling around in the halls?”_

 

_Nathan studied her for a second, brow furrowed._

 

_“Oh my god, sorry. I am so rude. I’m Kathy. Born and raised by four families in Tennessee, and now I’m on my third family in Pennsylvania. What’s your name?”_

 

_“I-I uh...Nathan.”_

 

_“Well, Eye Eye Uh Nathan, I am pleased to meet you,” Kathy smiled sweetly._

 

_“No, it’s just Nathan.”_

 

_“Okay, Just Nathan.”_

 

_“No-”_

 

_“Where is everyone?”_

 

_Nathan glanced toward the front of the class as Mr. Young walked in, looking frazzled and as rushed as always. Kathy sat up straight in her desk._

 

_“And who are you?” Mr. Young asked Kathy, almost suspicious._

 

_“I’m new. Kathy Henderson. Pleased to make your acquaintance. Shall I come up and introduce myself to the class?”_

 

_“Where is my damn class? Ash! Where is everyone?”_

 

_Nathan just shrugged. Kathy gave him a glance, before sighing and leaning her head against her palm._

 

_“You’re the strong, silent type, aren’t you? I like that.”_

 

“What the fuck kind of book is this?” Brian blurted out, only his restraints keeping him from throwing his hands up in the air, “The kid was raped by his gross father, it’s implied that the dad might have killed the mom, and it was depressing as fuck but now it has turned into some romantic comedy with a weird ass female lead.”

 

“Vogue said, “‘Maree Elizabeth Veltri gives us some of the greatest literature twists and turns of the year in _The Lost and the Damned._ Stephen King said, ‘I wish I had the balls to write a story like this. I couldn’t put it down. It made me cry, it made me laugh, and then it flat out terrified me.’ The New York Times gave it four stars and said, ‘One of the most original stories of the year. Flawlessly transcends being boxed into one genre and combines Drama, Tragedy, Comedy, Horror, and Romance without losing its flow.’”

 

Once Brian got over the shock, he started to laugh.

 

“I might burst your bubble, Mother Taylor, but it definitely lost its flow.”

 

Jennifer sighed and Brian felt her pat his leg, “Would you like me to read something else? I brought one other book. It’s called _Babyville_ by Jane Green. It’s about three women struggling with pregnancy, relationships, and motherhood. It’s supposed to be a light chic lit read. I thought you would enjoy The Lost and The Damned more but if you would like me to switch-”

 

“No, don’t switch.” Brian told her, shuddering, “But just so you know, you’re shit at picking out books.”

 

Jennifer actually let out a surprised laugh at that.

 

“I was in a hurry when Justin called! I wanted to get your mind off things and I grabbed these two from my stack of library books. I’ll look for books that might appeal to you more next time. Any suggestions?”

 

Brian went quiet, then shrugged, “I don’t know...I like Jack Kerouac, Cormac McCarthy, Kurt Vonnegut, Ray Bradbury.”

 

“Very serious and angst-ridden,” Jennifer observed, “I don’t know why, but that actually makes sense.”

 

“Not that it matters now,” Brian gritted out, “Won’t be able to read anymore, will I? That’s over and done with. The doctor said I might regain some vision back in my left eye but I’m not stupid. I heard his voice. His sympathy and pity.”

 

Brian had to bite his lip to keep himself from saying more, to keep himself from doing something embarrassing like crying. He had already done that once today and doing it in front of Justin was embarrassing enough. Besides, crying now made his eyes hurt like a bitch.

 

Jennifer must had known he was worked up though, because she started petting his hair and holding onto his hand and fuck if that didn’t almost break him too. 

 

“Justin told me that you told your doctor he was wrong last night.”

 

“I was drugged up and stupid,” Brian sniffled, “I had a feeling he was wrong, but today I feel different.”

 

He heard Jennifer let out a sad sound and felt her move closer.

 

“Just take it one day at a time. One minute at a time even,” Jennifer rasped out softly, “Thinking about everything too far ahead is just going to overwhelm you right now. Fact is, you don’t know either way how that eye is going to heal. But we’re all going to be here for you regardless. We’re not going to look at you any differently. You’re still going to be the man who loved my son and saved him more than once.”

 

The two of them stayed silent for several minutes and Brian found himself gently holding onto her fingers in return. Turning his head towards her as she gently kept massaging his scalp, he felt himself drift off and fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! As for "The Lost and The Damned" it is an original work made just for this story. A disjointed and strange one, but original nonetheless. So if you have any suggestions for it, please feel free to share! It surprisingly won't be the last time you see a passage from it and we'll be sneaking easter eggs in it from our other stories along the way. Anyway, it would be awesome if you reviewed but if you don't it's all good too. See you next chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, but I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Justin opened his eyes and looked at the ringing alarm clock on Brian’s end table. Rubbing his eyes and turning it off, he forced himself out of bed. He felt worse than he did before he made himself obey Brian’s rules and sleep in a real bed. At least he felt cleaner. He was almost ashamed to admit just how much he missed the perfect pressure and heat of Brian’s shower. His own always went cold within a couple minutes all while the pressure flickered back and forth from a trickle to a painful blast. 

 

He walked over to the closet and pulled out Brian’s suitcase. It was strange packing for the man. He had never done it when they were together, but he would have a general idea of what to put in a bag for him. His best clothes, condoms, one or two sex toys, a book or a couple of magazines if Brian was going on a plane, the basics. 

 

But Brian wasn’t going to Ibiza or Mexico or fucking Vermont. He was stuck in a hospital bed, and probably would be for about a week. Brian needed something to do. But word searches, crosswords, sudoku, reading a book or the newspaper, watching a goddamn movie...all of that required sight. He supposed Brian could listen to one of his Marlon Brando movies. For some reason though, Justin felt like it would just get him more depressed. 

 

He found a few books Brian might like. Some CDs and his personal CD player. He could get his mom to check out some audiobooks at the library later today. If that wasn’t enough, he would call Daphne and ask her to do some research on what else Brian could do to help time pass or for recreation. Because, past what he had packed now, Justin was stumped.

 

He would learn though. Brian would lack for nothing. Justin would make sure of it.

\--------

Justin handed the taxi driver a twenty, before stepping out onto the curb in front of the hospital.

 

“I hope your friend is okay!” the man yelled out the taxi window, “Bad times we live in, bad times.”

 

Thanks, Quentin,” Justin nodded, before watching him drive off.

 

Sighing and preparing himself to go back in and sit with Brian and his swinging moods, Justin turned around to find someone standing right in front of him.

 

“Lindsay!” Justin exclaimed, startled, “...Hey. You leaving or going in?”

 

“Going in,” Lindsay replied quietly, “I’ve...I’ve been standing out here for a while. It’s harder to go in than I thought it would be.”

 

Justin glanced up at the building and nodded.

 

“I get it,” he returned, understanding, “It’s hard to go in when...with what happened last night...there’s so many people and it fucking sucks but it’s…”

 

“Brian,” Lindsay finished, slowly raising her gaze to the dimming and cloudy sky, “And Michael. They’re...They’re my kids’ dads, you know?”

 

“I know,” Justin murmured, putting a hand on her shoulder, “It’s why we need to be there. It’ll remind them that they need to get better, right?”

 

Lindsay let out a humorless chuckle, “Right.”

 

The two blondes walked together through the hospital doors, arm in arm. 

 

Lindsay decided to follow him to Brian’s room, which Justin wasn’t surprised by. She was closer to Brian after all and, last Justin saw, Debbie couldn’t stand to be away from her son for more than a few minutes so, with Ben in the picture and sure as hell not leaving Michael’s side, the two person maximum was usually filled when any of them had passed by. 

 

“Here’s his room,” Justin told her, before pausing, “He...sometimes he acts okay...well, as okay as he can be. But his mood swings...they’re bad. Just don’t take anything personally. He could get vicious, he could start panicking, he’s going through something worse than most of us can-”

 

“I know,” Lindsay interrupted, “I won’t take anything personally.”

 

Justin nodded, glad that she understood, before opening the hospital room door.

 

First thing Justin noticed is how much closer his mother is sitting next to Brian than she was earlier, and that just made him wonder what had been said, if Brian raged or cried or had gotten panicked. But, at that moment, he looked okay.

 

“He’s tired,” his mother murmured, in her soft voice, one that Justin always had heard as a kid when he was sick or sad or hurt. He watched silently as his mother ran her fingers through Brian’s hair, before letting out a sigh, “I hope you got him a few things to get him to take his mind off of all this.”

 

Before Justin can answer, Brian grunted out, “Yeah, good luck with that.”

 

“Brian?” Justin asked cautiously, coming over to the bed to take the man’s hand, “Lindsay’s here to see you.”

 

Brian let out a humorless laugh, “Yeah? If I’d had known, I would have gotten all dressed up.”

 

“You do clean up really nice,” Lindsay answers, her voice wobbling, “But I’ll forgive you this time.”

 

Brian hums a little at that, kicking a little at his blanket as if he’s uncomfortable. 

 

“You need something?” Justin asks, squeezing his hand, “You too hot or do you need to go the bathroom?”

 

“I’m fine,” Brian growls, “I could take the damn blanket off myself if you would just take these fucking straps off of me. 

 

“...That’s not my call, Brian,” Justin sighs. 

 

“Fuck if it isn’t. Just undo them.”

 

Justin closes his eyes for a moment, making sure he has enough patience to answer.

 

“The nurse has to give the okay. I’ll press your button to call her.”

 

Brian turned his head, as if he refused to look at Justin, “Forget it.”

 

A moment passed, filled with an awkward silence, before Lindsay cleared her throat. 

 

“Gus has been asking about you,” she rasped out as she walked a few steps closer to put a hand on his ankle.

 

Brian bit his lip at that, “Yeah?”

 

Lindsay nodded, before catching herself, “Yeah, he misses you.”

 

“What have you told him?”

 

“Not much,” she sighed, “But he does know you and Michael are in the hospital and that someone tried to hurt a lot of people. He...he wants to see you.”

 

Brian breathed out through his teeth, before gritting out, “Probably best if he doesn’t. I’m fucking hideous and frightening. He’d see me and have nightmares.”

 

“Brian, you’re _not_ hideous. Don’t talk like that,” Justin stressed, without meaning to. 

 

“Justin, shut the fuck up,” was the only response he got to that.

 

“Well, you know Gus,” Lindsay says lightly, giving Brian a watery smile, “Remember how he was on Halloween? He loved all the scary decorations at the mall. You may be underestimating his courage.”

 

Brian frowned, then let out that laugh again, the one that came from somewhere dark, that let them know that Brian was feeling anything but humored.

 

“Well, I guess that fucking solves it. We’ll bring Gus in and make me into a spectacle.”

 

“Brian, please, I was trying-”

 

But, before Lindsay can finish her sentence, Brian started to pull at his straps again.

 

“Brian. Brian, tell me what you want,” Justin said softly, but urgently. 

 

“Well, Sunshine, I decided I need to piss after all. So get me out of these fucking straps!”

 

Justin buzzed the nurse and they waited for several minutes as Brian breathed heavily from his nose, probably stressed out and in pain from his sudden surge of anger. 

 

But, when Justin buzzed again due to the fact that _no one was fucking coming_ , he realized why Brian was breathing that way and letting out shuddering breaths as the faint smell of urine started to slowly fill the room. 

 

His mother ended up being the one who took off the straps. They both took an arm to help Brian sit up and Justin looked at his mother and said, “I got it from here. I’ll help him.”

 

“I don’t want you to help me!” Brian bit out, face red, as he jerked his arm out of Justin’s grasp. 

 

“Justin,” his mother whispered, “He’s embarrassed. I’ll do it. It’s okay.”

 

Then he just watched as his mom helped Brian to his feet, keeping a caring arm around the man’s waist, while she helped him to the bathroom and shut the door. 

 

The nurse arrived a minute later. All he could do was shout at her and tell her that Brian needed new sheets. All Lindsay could do was stand there and cry silently. 

 

“That...That was one of his mood swings,” Justin finally told her, running a shaky hand down his face, “Sorry you had to see that.”

 

\--------

 

Mel placed a sleeping Jenny Rebecca into the Pack ‘n’ Play in the corner of the room before joining Gus on the living room floor as he played happily with his Lego. The carpet was covered in all his little masterpieces. 

 

They hadn’t been playing long when the home phone rang.

 

Mel jumped up quickly and reached for the phone so as not to disturb the baby. “Hello?” 

 

“Hi, it’s me.”

 

“Is that Mommy?” Gus whispered.

 

Mel nodded her head as she clutched the phone tightly to her ear.

 

“How’s Gus?” Lindsay asked, concern evident in her voice.

 

“He’s doing okay,” she reassured Lindsay. “How’s Michael?” She knew she should probably have asked about Brian first, he was after all Lindsay’s best friend and Gus’ father, but Michael was _her_ friend and JR’s father, who was still a baby, for Christ’s sake. She couldn’t help but have him at the forefront of her mind.

 

Lindsay sighed sadly. “They said the surgery was successful. But he hasn’t woken up yet.”

 

“Shit, did they say when they think that will be?” Mel whispered into the phone. “Are Debbie and Ben with him?”

 

“Waking up seems to be the defining moment on whether or not he’ll be alright but the doctors won’t even give a possible time frame. And yes, they’re with him. Neither of them will leave his side. We’ve tried getting Debbie to go home and rest, but she refused.”

 

“That’s understandable.” 

 

“Mama, how’s Daddy? Ask about Daddy,” Gus begged, as he pulled on the bottom of Mel’s t-shirt.

 

Mel ruffled Gus’s hair, “Hold on, buddy. I’ll ask, okay? I just need you to go and sit back down for me, can you do that?”

 

Gus nodded sadly as he went back to his lego on the floor.

 

“Oh, God.” Melanie heard Lindsay softly start to cry and wanted nothing more than to wrap her in her arms. “What are we going to tell him?”

 

Melanie lowered her voice. “What have they said?”

 

“Mama? Did you ask about Daddy yet?” Gus asked quietly, the sadness in his voice made her heart ache. “One second, Linds.”

 

Mel crouched down on the floor. “I’m asking now, okay? How about some hot cocoa?” 

 

Gus nodded excitedly.

 

“Babe, I’m back,” Mel said into the phone as she walked into the kitchen and began pouring milk into a saucepan. “Any more news?”

 

“No. He’s...he’s definitely lost the sight in his right eye,” Lindsay sobbed. “And… he… he has very little vision in his left eye, at best. They wont know more until the dressings come off, but it’s not...it’s not looking good. I just...he’s in so much pain, Melanie, and I...”

 

“Shhh, babe, it’s okay. He’s going to be okay.”

 

What a stupid fucking thing to say. It wasn’t okay. _None_ of this was okay.

 

“This is going to break him, Mel, this is going to absolutely fucking crush him. He’s already a wreck. And Gus… what about Gus?”

 

Mel’s hands shook as she poured the warm cocoa into Gus’s favourite mug. “What should we tell him?”

 

“I think,” Lindsay sniffed loudly. “I think we have to be honest with him,” 

 

“Do you want me to wait until you get home to tell him?”

 

The sound of Lindsay blowing her nose through the phone was almost deafening. “No… He’s asking about him now, you should tell him… And… I… I don’t think I could handle seeing his face when we tell him.”

 

“I’ll tell him.”

 

“Thank you… I’m going to see if anyone needs anything, and then I’ll come home.”

 

“Drive carefully, okay,” Mel’s voice hitched slightly as she spoke. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

Mel exhaled loudly as she prepared herself to go into the next room and comfort her son. Breaking the news to him will no doubt be one of the hardest things she'd ever have to do. 

 

“Here’s your hot cocoa, sweetheart,” Melanie said as she placed the mug on the coffee table and sat down on the sofa. “Come here.”

 

Gus got up off the floor and climbed into his mama’s open arms.

 

“Is it about Daddy?”

 

Mel nodded and kissed the tip of his nose. “Yes.”

 

“Is he still in the hopstickel?”

 

“Yes. And I need you to listen carefully to mama, okay?”

 

Gus nodded his head. “My ears are open, mama.”

 

Despite everything, Mel couldn’t help but smile. This was going to be harder than she thought. “Your daddy was in an accident and he’s hurt his eyes…”

 

“He’s got an ouchie on his eyes?” Gus asked innocently.

 

“Yes, baby, he does. And because of the ouchie in his eyes…” She took a deep breath. “Your daddy won't be able to see anymore.” She tried to think of ways she could tell him that weren’t so blunt, but there weren’t any. “Do you understand what that means, Gus?”

 

The little boy thought about it for a moment and pouted sadly. “Does that mean he won't be able to see how much I love him anymore?”

 

Mel sighed and held the little boy tight, “He’ll still know, sweetheart. He’ll always know.”

 

\--------

 

His mom stayed most of the day, only leaving after Brian settled down from the sedative the doctor administered.

 

“His blood pressure is up,” the doctor had said, right before he injected the IV, “I know it’s hard to keep him calm right now, but we all need to try our best when it comes to keeping him comfortable and content.”

 

“You try that when you’re soaked in your own piss, you fucking asshole!” Brian had yelled, before his body started to forcibly relax against the hospital bed.

 

Justin kept the lights off, thinking it might help Brian sleep better. Not that he could actually see much, with the bandages and his lack of sight, but they had been sensitive to the light before. If he could do anything to keep Brian comfortable, he would do it. 

 

Despite his own stress, Justin’s eyes start to drift closed but, just as he’s about to fully fall asleep, he hears Brian’s door crack open and in walked Debbie.

 

He opens his eyes and smiles sadly at the usually vibrant woman in front of him, who looks just as shit as he feels.

 

“How is he?” She asks quietly, unaware that Brian is out for the count on heavy sedation and couldn't be woken by them no matter how hard they tried.

 

Justin sighed deeply. “Not great,” he admits. “His blood pressure is through the roof, he’s… he’s not handling any of this very well.”

 

“He doesn’t deserve this. Neither of my boys deserve _any_ of this,” Debbie says angrily.

 

Justin stands and wraps his arms around her tightly, which was something they both so desperately needed. 

 

“How’s Michael?” he asks softly.

 

“He’s...here. He’s not out of the woods yet, but they think he’ll be okay,” Debbie chokes out the last part. “I don’t know what I would do if I lost him. Shit, Justin, I’m sorry… you don’t need this,” she tries to apologize.

 

“Don’t apologize, Deb,” he breathes into her neck, “Brian would rip me a new one if I didn’t ask how his best friend was doing.”

 

Debbie pulls back, but keeps a tight grasp on Justin’s arms. “Can he see anything?” 

 

Justin shook his head. “Not much… they think maybe shadows and light. Nothing substantial.”

 

Debbie walks over and takes Brian’s hand gently in hers.

 

“It’s okay, Deb. He’s sedated. You can’t wake him,” Justin assures her.

 

That’s all it takes and Deb starts to cry. It’s not something Justin has seen before and he isn’t quite sure how to handle it. 

 

“You’ll be fine, sweetheart,” Justin hears her whisper. “We’ve got you, okay? We won’t let anything else happen to you. I should have done more to protect you. I really should have. I’m so sorry.”

 

Justin let out a cry - something he realised he’d not done much of but needed.

 

“Oh, fuck, baby. Come here,” Deb says as she opens her arms. “We’ve got to be strong. Our boys need us.”

 

Justin didn’t hesitate as he let himself fall into Debbie’s arms to be held.

 

\--------

 

It was almost Gus’s bedtime by the time Lindsay made it home from the hospital. 

 

“How is he?” Lindsay asked worriedly as she hung her coat up on the peg by the front door.

 

“Quiet,” Mel explained sadly. “He’s in his room.”

 

“I should go and talk to him.”

 

Mel nodded and opened her arms “Come here first,” 

 

Lindsay walked into her arms and allowed herself to be wrapped up in her wife’s comforting embrace. Something she didn’t realize she’d needed.

 

“How was Brian?”

 

“He’s not great,” she sniffed. “He looks… Oh God, Mel, he looks awful. So unlike the Brian I know. He looked so small lying there.”

 

Mel squeezed her tightly. “It’s still early.”

 

“He has these bloody bandages covering his eyes and I’ve never seen him look so pale.”

 

“What about, Jus…”

 

“Mommy?”

 

Lindsay wiped her eyes and ran upstairs at the sound of Gus’s small voice.

 

“Hi, baby,” she smiled at the sight of Gus in his Paw Patrol pyjamas standing at the top of the stairs. “Did you put your jammies on yourself?” she asked, noticing the back to front pyjama shirt.

 

“Uh huh,” he nodded proudly “I got ready for bed all by myself.”

 

“I can see that,” she grinned. “Your shirt is on wrong.”

 

Gus looked down and laughed before pulling his arms out and adjusting his shirt so that the picture on the front was now facing the right way.

 

“How was Daddy?”

 

Lindsay took a deep breath. She knew this conversation would be coming, but she still wasn’t prepared for it. How do you tell your kid that their father’s life has changed forever. That things as he knows it will never be the same.

 

“Daddy is...not very well at the moment, Sweetheart.”

 

Gus’s bottom lip began to tremble. “I drawed him a picture.”

 

Lindsay opened her arms and the little boy walked into them, burying his face in her chest. “He can have cuddle cat if he’s frightened,” he told her innocently. “It makes me feel better when I’m sick.”

 

“That’s a lovely idea,” Lindsay smiled sadly, swallowing the ball in her throat. “I think Daddy would love that.”

 

Gus nodded, a sad smile on his face, before going over to his mother and reaching up, silently asking to be picked up.

 

As Lindsay held her little boy close, he petted her hair and whispered into her ear.

 

“I’m going to make him smile, Mommy. I’m going to make sure he knows that I love him, no matter what."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please review!


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